... I think I've reached a new peak in meta-blogging. Before I begin this cut-and-paste odyssey, if any of you have seen this before, I apologize. It's late, I'm becoming repetitive in my sour anti-Cubs remarks of late, and I felt like some possibly more invigorating content.
I wrote this and posted this on my other blog, the music site Feed Me Good Tunes [original post here
], so please, I'm not stealing as it's already mine. Also, any suggestions for a manager would be much appreciated. Without further ado...
[Idea borrowed from Rick Paulas on McSweeneys.net. Sorry Rick, I figured I'd try it out for size.]
ESSENTIAL CHOICES REGARDING A BASEBALL ROSTER COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF FICTIONAL CHARACTERS PLAYED BY BILL MURRAYBATTING LINEUP
-----1, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, SS, Where the Buffalo Roam
Experimenting with drugs is kinda like experimenting with the lead-off spot. It's dangerous, it doesn't last long, and you'll be seeing vultures overhead before long. I'll take his snappy impatience, batting mood swings, and his overwhelming speed. I'll also take his quaaludes, his coke, and methamphetamines still left in the trunk of the Cadillac. Maybe those will help me deal with his high strikeout totals and propensity for tearing off his clothes and trying to eat the face of the opposing pitcher during each at-bat.2, Wallace Ritchie, 2B, The Man who Knew too Little
Sure, he may have a few flaws, ignorance, bemusement and idiocy being just three. However, there's precious little room elsewhere, so let's stick him in with the major leaguers and see if anyone notices.3, Herman Blume, LF, Rushmore
Cold, ruthless, arrogant: it's as if Barry Bonds had never left. Let the fireworks fly from the 3-spot, as Blume makes light work of the RBI chances and any opportunities to fuck the ump's girlfriend.4, Grimm, CF, Quick Change
No-one took this guy seriously, not even when he was robbing banks with Geena Davis. However, what he lacks in aesthetics, he makes up for in sheer power, comic relief, and doubles off the left-field wall. But beware: if you ask him for a balloon, he will shoot you.5, Polonius, 1B, Hamlet
The ideal place to stick an aging, neurotic first-baseman. It worked for Richie Sexson, it worked for Lyle Overbay, it worked for Jim Thome, Jason Giambi, Ryan Klesko and Tony Clark. Wait, not Clark. Definitely not Clark. But with Polonius, you'll be sure to get snippets of wisdom commingled with trips to the opposite field.6, Bob Harris, 3B, Lost in Translation
He's publicly suave but privately struggling, old, listless, spiritually unsatisfied. Occasionally finds success with the bat, but mostly in the team for lack of anyone else to use. Mike Lowell's new best friend in a baseball uniform.7, Francis Xavier Cross, C, Scrooged
A little behind the times [still thinks Larkin patrols his infield], but has the ruthlessness and propensity to throw out base-runners in a bloodbath of Christmas glory. Knows when to steal, and when to save. Solid at the plate, although it will catch up to him.8, Raleigh St. Clair, RF, The Royal Tenenbaums
Baseball's equivalent of Phil Jackson: winsome, bearded, sensitive and calm. Calculating and observant, this light bat rarely misses a fly-ball, and has a flair for the detached feel of the bottom of the order.
Carl Spackler, SP, Caddyshack
Drunk, loud, dirty -- this man makes David Wells look like Curt Schilling. His passion will win him games, his odor will win him even more. Always had an eye for the spotlight, the big game, and a pair of beer-soaked galoshes. Meeting with the Dalai Lama only serves to further his enigmatic status as the jewel of the rotation.
Steve Zissou, SP, The Life Aquatic
A more understated version of the great Spackler, Zissou is still full of the ego that greeted his first trip to a major league mound. He is not, however, still full of the young muscles and land-bound mentality that makes good pitchers great. Occasionally wanders through self-reflective territory, but his hunger for attention will pull the squad through 6 innings of scurvy-soused theatrics.
Bob Wiley, SP, What about Bob?
Throw out the textbook, Peter Gammons. One look at this wackadoo and you'd think of Therapy Tim Worrell. However, look past his infuriating persistency and bullish blend of narcissism and manipulation and you'll find an excellent pitcher: part-Hideo Nomo, part-Mark Prior, part-Denver the last Dinosaur, Bob will paint the corners with his screwball and change-ups that'll have you sprinting for the hills.
Dr. Peter Venkman, RP, Ghostbusters
Unhinged, passionate, charismatic: look out J.C. Romero, step aside Tom Gordon, leave us alone Scot Shields. His unique breed of insanity and jumpsuit puts batters in their place: the New York Public Library.
Phil Connors, CP, Groundhog Day
The ability to adapt and repeat, repeat, repeat leaves the 9th inning firmly in Team Murray's sights. Steady with the ball, kills the lineup with consistency. His location might not be stellar yet, but he can out-patience anyone at the plate.