Friday, May 26

Liveblogging the disappearance of integrity [both ESPN's and my own]

I can't talk about the Cubs right now, because for obvious reasons, any such discussion would entail the rapid, repeated collision of my head against some sort of brick edifice. Instead, I felt compelled [as I seem to have an affinity for trainwrecks] to watch the entire gluttonous cross-promotional orgy that was today's Mike & Mike in the Morning, on which someone actually got married.


CP649048

Golic & Greenberg : Life-partners in crime.


I cannot even believe the concept of that, let alone the fact that The Worldwide Leader in Sports Flooding the Media Market finally seized their opportunity to erode the last piece of sacred ground that stood between them and non-ESPN culture. I daresay athlete cooking shows are right around the corner. I mean come on, watching Gary Sheffield put together a lemon souffle might not be so bad.


Without further adieu, my descent into incoherence, hastily chopped from IM, with pertinent additions from my good friend The Pope.
DISCLAIMER: This is why working at home is bad for you.


(9:06:51 AM): i'm seriously watching the live wedding on ESPN the dos
(9:07:02 AM): i feel so sad for the bride & groom
(9:07:11 AM): it looks like the shittiest wedding ever so far
(9:07:17 AM): and having the gin blossoms?!?!?!?
(9:07:26 AM): not the good-era gin blossoms, but the 2006 gin blossoms


gin blossoms
Yeahhhh, rock and roll!?!?!?! Ahem.


(9:08:13 AM): of course trey wingo is involved, that jerkoff
(9:08:52 AM): it's seriously being held in the NFL live studio, right in front of their giant ESPN screen
(9:09:13 AM): everyone sitting on plastic foldout chairs on the football field thing they have when sean salisbury is telling you how to be a bad QB
The Pope (9:09:27 AM): wow... i cant even believe this
(9:10:12 AM): they're cooking 1100 hamburgers on a grill in the parking lot at 9.10 am in the morning
The Pope (9:10:34 AM): i dont even know where to start
The Pope (9:10:38 AM): why get married on espn?
(9:10:40 AM): and they keep saying "this is the craziest most unique thing in the history of the worldwide leader in sports", like that exact phrase
The Pope (9:10:42 AM): why get married so early?
The Pope (9:10:54 AM): why do they need so many burgers?
(9:10:56 AM): because john kruk skipped breakfast?


jones

(9:10:57 AM): WOW
(9:11:00 AM): check this
(9:11:08 AM): they have video "best wishes" shit from athletes
(9:11:09 AM): so far:
(9:11:26 AM): eli manning, daunte culpepper, dale earnhardt jr, urban meyer, chipper jones
(9:11:31 AM): what a lineup
(9:11:47 AM): their wedding is gonna be at 9.45
(9:12:00 AM): "they're back and they're better than ever, ladies and gentlemen, the gin blossoms"
(9:12:13 AM): ooo it's an unplugged ballad, go figure
The Pope (9:12:52 AM): gin blossoms could ONLY be better
(9:13:00 AM): hahahaha
(9:13:12 AM): time heals all wounds, like the ones to our eardrums back in 1994?
(9:14:13 AM): fuck, i just realized they're playing that one big song they had that i hated first time around
(9:14:38 AM): you can tell several band members obviously have day jobs, considering they're on some obscure-ass record label subsidiary by now
(9:14:47 AM): mandolin solo! jamming it out!
(9:18:02 AM): i think mike golic is gonna be the priest for the ceremony
(9:18:07 AM): now THAT i would sign up for
(9:19:17 AM): they're even calling it "marriage madness"
(9:19:47 AM): and trey wingo wants to know how the groom "feels" right now
The Pope (9:19:52 AM): of course they are
(9:20:10 AM): wow
(9:20:19 AM): they have the florida gator dressed in a tux
(9:20:37 AM): the bride is standing by the staff elevators waiting to walk the aisle, i mean, corridor
(9:20:49 AM): and it's the bride's birthday today?? weird.
(9:21:04 AM): "a lot of guys would think this to be the ultimate wedding"
(9:21:14 AM): yeah, sounds like a fucken dream
(9:21:35 AM): maybe hootie and the blowfish could play my ESPN wedding while i stand next to peter gammons
(9:21:40 AM): oh, i can dream


darius rucker

Better than actually flipping the burgers, right?


(9:22:34 AM): aww and now an email message from billy donovan
(9:22:40 AM): email
(9:22:48 AM): the dude can't do better than an email
(9:25:30 AM): damn, the bride's mother is fucking hot
(9:25:56 AM): the groom's parents look like dick cheney and madeline albright
(9:26:03 AM): now a video message from lou holtz
(9:26:24 AM): it's hard to make fun of lou holtz
(9:26:30 AM): [....waiting for lou holtz to finish....]
(9:26:57 AM): the groom doesn't have a best man, there's no wedding party
(9:27:26 AM): oh wait there they are
(9:27:34 AM): oh this is fucking stupid
(9:27:51 AM): their son is part of the procession, being accompanied by albert the gator
(9:28:05 AM): and alberta gator is the flower girl
(9:28:13 AM): it has to suck being inside that suit right now
(9:28:42 AM): mike & mike are doing a wedding play-by-play
(9:29:13 AM): stuart scott and the schwab are sitting at the wedding! score!
(9:29:15 AM): booooo yah!


wuerf1
Don't playa hate, but also, if you want to keep being a great QB, don't graduate.


(9:29:56 AM): HAHAHA, danny wuerrfel [their favourite florida player] has a video message, and wuerffel's dad is the priest
(9:29:57 AM): fuck.
(9:30:32 AM): now that's synergy.
(9:32:16 AM): seriously though, they are a sweet couple, which helps
(9:35:08 AM): several sportscenter anchors had to sit through that
(9:35:12 AM): couldn't see everett though
(9:37:54 AM): interviewing the gin blossoms 101, by trey wingo
(9:38:01 AM): "what's it like to play a wedding on ESPN?"
(9:43:22 AM): dick vitale has a wedding message, baby


news4
Who wouldn't want 4 or 5 of these little guys running around? Fact: your grandparents would love that.


(9:51:23 AM): their honeymoon is a VIP trip to the indy 500, a trip to the ESPYs and a trip to some golf tournament in scottdale
(9:51:37 AM): plus they get 20 grand, ESPN mobile phones and an X-Box 360
(9:51:48 AM): oh, and a gallon of buster olney's semen
The Pope (9:53:00 AM): what a way to start off your family right
(9:53:09 AM): seriously
(9:53:34 AM): oh, not to mention that their honeymoon and gifts from ESPN sound like the shit you'd give to a spoiled teenager.... ESPN really keeping it classy
(9:55:57 AM): ahh, now that it's over, i can really begin my weekend

5 Comments:

At 11:58 AM, Blogger C.W. said...

That Buster Olney line was killer...

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Hyposquasher said...

Effing priceless... I love this blog so much, and JT, I love that you work from home.

 
At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was never a "good-era" Gin Blossoms.

 
At 12:24 PM, Anonymous Lazlo said...

Freddy Bynum's OPS- .737
Juan Pierre's OPS- .553

Alfonso Soriano has a higher OBP than Pierre. Significantly.

 
At 1:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, but those burgers where a) free b) good and c) free. :) We didn't actually eat them until 11. Lunchtime.

 

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