Suck a cock, Chicago Cubs

I'm taking a week off from the Cubs. I cannot believe the flaming bag of hepatitis and horse cock that I just witnessed on TV. With a 4-run lead against the flaccid Mets lineup going into the final frame, what could go wrong? Only a handful of pathetic walks, several basehits and enough stinging heartbreak to fill a thousand Dawson's Creek episodes.

Aramis finds his bat and contributes 3 RBIs, Guzman pitches tidily for 5 innings, Ohman K's 4 in 1 2/3 innings, and then Dempster couldn't find the strikezone if it was a piece of pornstar pussy.

The measure of a good team is winning games out, closing out and finishing yr business when you've put in a hard day's work. But not us. For the Cubs, we constantly strive to find new and exciting ways to lose, causing me so much grief I bet I could stick my hand in a blender and I would feel no pain. Why? Because loving the Cubs has caused me to lose all ability to feel pain. I'm immune now to sadness, because watching this bunch of sadsacks traipse around a field for 3 hours has left me emotionally sterile.

We stagger into Shea for a difficult 4-game series, and acquit ourselves quite well. We commit Hari-Kiri on monday night, thanks to Wuertz's "Walk This Way" heroics, we bounce back well on Tuesday thanks to El Toro regaining some balls, Wednesday was a wash as we were unable to solve Jorge fucking Sosa, and then today, we collect timely hits against a weakened lineup, only to piss it away at the death.

Give me sweet release from this horseshit. Please.

Send bullets with my name on them to: JT, Port Chester, NY. They'll know what to do from there.

And how

Thumbs up:
1.
Lilly, Hill, Marquis - The Wonder Bread Trio

Responsible for 8 of our 10 wins. I'm impressed, and really did not see this happening at all. Of course it's still early, but who gives a fuck?

Rich Hill [3-1, 1.57 ERA]
Ted Lilly [2-2, 2.18 ERA]
The Marquis de Slop [3-1, 2.35 ERA]

2.
Derrek Lee
Batting at a great clip, picking up where he left off in 2005 and his Triple Crown hunt [fuck you, Pujols]. No home run oomph, but still, 16 RBIs so far.

3.
Alfonso Soriano
Not prolific just yet, but he's coming along nicely. His average and OBP need to improve a lot for a leadoff, but it's still early.

4.
Beating the Cardinals a lot
I like this the most.

5.
The Riot!
Goddamn. Why is he not in the permanent lineup? He can play multiple positions, and hits for average like a rotisserie leaguer's wet dream. More ABs, please.

Thumbs down:
1.
Carlos Zambrano
Where did the Bull go? He's trying way too hard, getting shellacked, and his Latin fire needs to be channeled more effectively. Maybe he cannot relate to the crazy fire of Pinella.

2.
Mark Prior
Fuck off and die. You are dead to me, but real death might not be so bad. Fuck off and join the Orioles.

3.
Losing a lot to the Pirates
I don't like this one bit, because I have several big bets with a die-hard Pirates fan that I really don't want to have to pay out on.

4.
Our shitty shortstops
Izturis and Cedeno are currently the worst non-pitching hitters on the team. Weak bats, terrible D. I never thought I'd be pining for the Alex Gonzalez era.

5.
Where are the homers?
No home run power from anyone so far. Aramis has the touch, Barrett has mysteriously found some power, and Mark DeRosa, our SECOND BASEMAN, is 2nd on the team in trips to dinger country. Carlos Zambrano has as many HRs as Derrek Lee, and Cliff Floyd. Ronny Cedeno has more HRs than Lee. Soriano has yet to hit one, and he's in a more HR-friendly park [how the fuck did he hit 46 at RFK Stadium?].

All singles and no bombs make JT go crazy.

Biggest Thumbs Down ever:
Us. We're lazy, and we suck. I need to get this outlet running again. Promise. Fuck. I hope I don't break that promise.

Christ.

Alright, people, I swear we'll be back in 2007, like maybe the end of January? Things kinda died around here, much like the hopes and dreams and performance of our terrible franchise.

However, the future looks bright. We overspent for a bunch of players, we're trying to finagle a few trades, and at least we're trying. We have a new manager, a new lineup, a fresh-looking rotation [Jason Marquis? Christ, pass me the Tums], and fresh hope.

After writing all that, I think I need fresh underwear.

Retort from a Public Library

I don't think it's funny that I neglect to mention good things about the Cubs, simply because we all know what to expect from this website. Yes, it's been oddly dormant of late [my woes have been insanely well-documented], and while the other members have gone A.W.O.L., it is a proven fact that I am LB's resident old man pessimist, the guy whose cup will always be half-empty, whose opinions will always be knee-jerk, off-base and wholly incorrect, whose emotions will change like the hours on a clock and a man for whom the Cubs will always underachieve.

We had a nice week the other week. Sweeping the Cardinals in a series for the first time in 30-odd years was a refreshing change, as was the more-than-respectable efforts put forth in Shea Stadium against a cocky and talented Mets team. I was in attendance for that dour 1-0, extra-innings defeat, and Prior pitched superbly well.

Aramis has found his swing again, clubbing several big home runs in recent weeks.

Barrett is hitting like a man possessed.

Zambrano is pitching superbly well, compiling a tidy and effective July [6-0, 4.15 ERA].

I do notice these things, honestly I do. But it's the kind of shit that you can read anywhere, glowing reports and happy-go-lucky accounts of good things we've done. I can write in a more positive light sometimes, and maybe I should, but I like to think of my work here as the instant, spur-of-the-moment ramblings of a man who reacts to things as he sees them, not the home for polite, well-reasoned statistical analysis that the AP or SI.com can do every day without restraint. [Hence the copious amounts of swearing, profanity and insensitive comments about various Cubs players and personnel and their family members]

It definitely keeps things more interesting.

Concise Hatred from a Public Library, Vol. I

Fuck Kerry Wood. Pussy. You won't be a reliever for us, I fucking hope.

Uh-oh

Well peoples, apologies. My laptop is getting fixed, inexplicably sent to Chicago when a ten-pound sledgehammer in my garden would probably have had the same effect, and as such, the site has slowed to an Aramis Ramirez-esque crawl. [He is slower than a pregnant woman running to first base sometimes, although hitting all those HRs lately solves that problem]

So there's my excuse, as for the others?

Hyposquasher -- probably buried with Hoffa somewhere, or scratching his ass at work.
The Hawk -- saving children from a burning building/lifting the earth on his shoulders/biking 7000 miles for no apparent reason/something else retardedly active and calorie-burning.
AdicaRoy -- trading spaces.

I will be back, hopefully within the week. There is so much to talk about, including:

- Derrek Lee back to the DL
- Why does Prior suck? Scientists consider DNA analysis
- Aramis Ramirez and the Home Run Continuum [aka where the fuck was this power in April and May?]
- Michael Barrett finally batting up the order
- Fuck Neifi
- So Long Maddux, I wish we'd been better for you
- Todd Walker grabs his surfboard and fucks off to the West Coast as well
- Who the fuck did we get in return?
- JT attends the 1-0 game at Shea last week
- We swept the Cardinals? And took 2 of 3 from the Mets? Are we in upside-down world?
- Please, someone shoot Dusty already. And that prick Hendry too.

Word is bond. Now get back to work.

JT.